Train Tremors

Yesterday morning I woke up to tragedy. The crew on Fox 5's Good Day New York (whom I usually depend on for a good morning laugh) weren't smiling. My heart dropped. I'm sure each and every one of us, at some point in our lives post 9-11, has feared/wondered what would happen next. Sometime during the summer of 2004 I managed to shake that feeling, and convince myself that The Unknown Tragedies To Come weren't worth constant fear, frustration, and worry. It took a few pep talks with self, and a 3 month long news boycott, but I finally managed to find a since of peace within again. Yesterday, that old feeling came back as I watched the coverage of the attacks in London. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about how suddenly these things can strike, and how little control we have over whether or not it will ever happen to us. I don't care how high the government raises the terror alert, or how many cops I see patrolling my streets, I'm still convinced that when these awful terrorist attacks hit it will always be when and where we least expect it. The terrorists seem to be best at hitting us where it hurts, and I'm still waiting on the government to prove they're any good at keeping the people safe.

Maybe this is why I paced back and forth for 15 minutes debating whether or not to get on the 8:21 train to Manhattan that I usually take to work. I seriously broke a sweat, while I tried to determine whether the awful empty feeling in my stomach was understandable paranoia after yesterdays attacks, or a genuine gut feeling trying to intervene with fate. When the train arrived I just jumped on, trying to convince myself it was just the paranoia. But, when we arrived at the next stop, I felt even worse, and I did something I haven't done in years: Panic for no reason and make a big scene. I ran off the train, nearly knocking the people in my path over, and I wound up standing on the platform at an unfamiliar station, watching my train go by. I instantly felt better and I thought I'd done the right thing, but as I waited for the next train to arrive (hoping there even was one coming) I began to feel like shit again. But, this time it wasn't over whether or not I thought something bad would happen to the train, but rather, because I'd allowed myself to give into my fears. My fears kicked me off that train, cost me the price of an extra ticket, and made me late to work today. The thing is, I'm not sure whether to be angry at myself for letting it happen, or angry at the world for the fact that the worst is now possible. For me, today is about fighting fear, and trying my best to be mentally prepared to survive my next bout of Train Tremors, whenever or wherever they may come about again....

Visiting my Nannie on her birthday makes me smile like this! I didn't smile or show teeth in pictures until my sophmore year of college. I used to think my smile was hideous, but now seeing it makes me smile! 

Dogs aren't the only ones with a cute and irresistable sideways stare! (Hehe)